WEEK 5 - 30 January 2022
Never heard a Hoover belch before … (cue for a song). Plaster dust is marvellous as dry shampoo! Who knew? I’m off to make my fortune.
The many stairs are blissfully free of the appalling brown carpet we inherited when we moved in over five years ago, but are now sporting lethal carpet-gripper spikes for the week-end, as a means of staving off Dementia. As in: if I don’t remember to don slippers I become a human colander and spray blood all over new glossy paintwork. Now where did I leave my Ugh slippers ..?
CAT PARAGRAPHS, please skip if allergic!
Aghk! Oberon (moggie) just belched in sympathy with the Hoover. In his case it’s prelude to a Big Barf, through the banisters. He’s two floors up – Ouch! Ow! Youch, Oh F!!!***₩!! it! So much for Swear-Free February.
Just seen a tempting advert by Stannah Stairlifts. How much are escalators? Never really fancied bungee-jumping, but in an emergency – and elastic’s cheap.
Sascha aka Houdiniella (fostered pedigree) runs rings round me. Leaning into the hurricane in our front hall – okay Gale Force 8, but I am 64! – I’m trying to shut t’front door, hugging a sack of cat-litter as ballast. Pedigree dashes past me into wild night. Only to be briskly blown back indoors, thank God. Winning against the door, I see Pedigree bolt down the hall towards the cat-flap in the back door. She bounces off. It’s locked to the outside, I sag with relief and drop the cat-litter on my toes. Through a mist of pain, I see Deans’ face framed in said cat-flap; rainwater drips off his whiskers. He’s stuck between a King Lear storm and GBH on entry by menopawsal Pedigree. [See what I did there?] She would also mug him for his microchip-activated collar and escape that way. To be continued …
Don’t talk to me about trying to transfer money from ReAssure to a better pension company. What should take a month [why that long?] has been going on since July 2021.
Carl is patiently removing spikes from our stairs with a jemmy and claw-hammer. Eat your heart out, Bob Geldoff – I do like Mondays after all.
